Feb 26, 2004

The Clothing Issue

My mom is a high school math teacher. Now, quite aside from all the hilarity that that implies, there is a very serious issue that we should address. That is, the growing, and shrinking, of clothes.
So anyways, we were talking the other day about the steadily increasing amount of fabric that is the minimum for any guy to be “cool”. These days, many guys at my school and at my mom’s school wear anywhere from two to eighteen pairs of pants. And then on top of that they’ve got about three layers, topped by the inevitable jersey. Oddly enough, their underwear manages to make itself seen through all this; God only knows how that works.
When my mom has to separate people for talking or something, many times she has to stifle her laughter as these guys with four or five pairs of pants have to untangle themselves from their desks and kind of waddle across the room, taking huge, deliberate steps to avoid tripping themselves with their own pants.
This is a disturbing trend toward greater amounts of fabric for several reasons. Firstly, where is this extra cloth coming from? The answer, of course, is from the girls’ clothes. The newly discovered Law of Inversely Proportional Gender-Separated Clothing states that:

If some guy has a lot of clothes on, then somehow, somewhere, there is a girl with an equal and opposite amount of clothes on. The same thing works the other way around too.

The LoIPGSC, as it is popularly known among the intelligentsia, can be proved by taking a look at around twenty to thirty years ago, when it was “cool” for guys to wear near skin-tight clothing. What did girls wear then? Frilly stuff! More fabric!

Therein we have the increasing trend of girls toward skimpier and tighter clothing. This raises the interesting question of: is the “in” thing to be skinnier because clothes are tighter, or are clothes tighter because it’s “in” to be skinnier. However this works, it is a vicious cycle, which can only culminate in girls not being able to be seen altogether.
Of course, this will solve the world’s food crisis, because these new, ultra-thin girls would only consume about .5 mL of pureed, non-fat, low-carb, low-calorie cardboard.

The other reason that the implementation of the LoIPGSC is disturbing is, of course, new ways of cutting class. Because of guys wearing more and more clothing, eventually they will just look like huge piles of fabric (designer fabric, naturally). The time will come when someone can just sneak into class, deposit an immense pile of clothes on his desk, and sneak back out. No one will be the wiser!
Girls, of course, won’t be able to be seen anyways, so they can just plant a voice-activated tape recorder underneath their chair, to say “Here!” when the teacher calls roll.

Now, with no one in their classes at all, teachers won’t report to school, so there will just be huge empty schools with only the principal sitting at her desk, creating policy and making sure that her school looks good. It is this last one that makes it possible for no one to notice the lack of students at school, because the principal will make sure that her school stays at state-mandated levels, even if she has to take all 2500 or so standardized tests herself.

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