The Democratic National Convention just got off to a rousing start. In case you missed it, here's the general jist of Bill Clinton's speech.
I come to you today to talk about John Kerry. He will be great because he has the same name as other great presidents such as John Adams and John Kennedy. And so does his vice president, John Edwards.
The Republicans had many views on running this country over the past four years, such as...[descends into technical mumbling]...and in consequence, making little old ladies carry their own groceries! If you want this, go ahead, by all means vote for them. But if not, JOHN KERRY AND JOHN EDWARDS ARE HERE!!!
George W. Bush also did things like tax cuts the rich...[complicated mumbling again]...which in turn, closed down all schools and made every child join a gang simply to eat every day! If this is your idea of America, vote for him. But if you don't think that's right, JOHN KERRY'S YOUR MAN!!!
If you want to vote for the party that I'm pretty sure had something to do with the West Nile virus, go ahead, but if not, VOTE FOR JOHN KERRY AND THE DEMOCRATS!!!
When the Vietnam War arrived, I ducked military duty along with Bush. But when they asked John Kerry, he said, "Send me!".
When the Army asked John Kerry to go in for dangerous missions, he didn't hide. He said, "Send me!".
And then later, when volunteers were needed to infiltrate an evil scientist's lab on a remote island, John Kerry said, "Send me!".
When America was threatened by a huge asteriod, did John Kerry run? No! He donned his red and blue tights and flew into outer space to stop it with his bare hands, shouting, "Send me!".
And remember, his name's John.
That's the basic idea. Good night, everybody.